My mother loved to teach me – about life, people, and about learning more and more about everything! She was a permanent student, and I became a permanent student as well. I became a permanent student because that’s how I received my affirmation. I was affirmed by what I learned and how I performed, not necessarily by who I was. At least this is the message I’ve carried deep within me all of my life.
My mother was a brilliant little dark-skinned girl who grew up in segregated Texas in the 1930s and 40s. She learned quickly that to be seen and accepted, she had to overcome her obvious blackness by her brilliance. I too learned this lesson. I have learned it well.
Too well. I have carried the perception that the precious little black girl within me is not good enough just because I am. For many years, I repeated this mantra to myself. “I need to learn more.” “I need to do more.” “I need to give more and more of myself.” This self-talk goes on and on and on… As a result, I believed deep down I am loved only if I do something for others. If I serve them in some way. I learned I am “not enough” just because I Am.
News Flash!!! Over the years, I have come to learn If I am not truly healed, my doing for others becomes more about me and less about them. The problem is that those of us who are helpers have unmet needs for our own healing. And we usually don’t realize it. It is wise to be careful that our “helping” is being done, not to meet our own emotional needs, but to actually meet the needs of others.
Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at oneself. Your strengths, gifts, and personal challenges. Those challenges are signposts that reveal there is more growth and healing yet to be done. It takes courage to take an unbiased and dispassionate look at one’s own story and examine how your life experiences, some of which are painful, play a crucial role in how you perceive yourself today. As you continue your own journey of healing, can you ask yourself, “What makes me feel significant and why?” “What do I need to feel loved and accepted, and where does this come from?” “Who have I charged with fulfilling my deepest needs?” “Is it God?” “Is it myself?” “Have I placed this task on others?” “How has placing the heavy burden of expectations on others worked out for me?” “Can another person love me more than I am able to love myself?”
“Words of Affirmation” is my primary love language (from, The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman). Maybe this way of speaking love to me is based on my biology; being an innate part of me when I arrived in this world. Or maybe it was learned from my earliest moments of living in this world, through my environment. I do not know the mysteries of the origins of my primary love language, but I realize my conscious awareness of being affirmed came when I was the teacher’s pet.
And, my original teacher was my mom. She taught me what she lived. She taught me what she knew. She taught me how to survive. I wonder if I passed this way of being in the world onto my own children?
Toward the end of her life, Mom began to love herself, just as she was. It was a beautiful sight to see. Despite a stroke that impaired some of her bodily functions and her memory at times, Mom embraced who she was. And because of this, there was a peace and a quiet beauty in her countenance.
Mom realized that she was a Queen!
And now I recognize that I too, am a Queen!
When Mom got free, she demonstrated to me how to get free.
As a mental health professional, I help people to connect the dots of their lives, so I’m always amazed and grateful to God when such moments happen to me!
Since we all want to be loved, there is a fear deep within us humans that if we do not keep following the scripts written deep within our souls, just maybe, we won’t be loved anymore. We follow these scripts, because on some level they have worked for us. Yet, deep down, these faulty scripts reveal to us that something is missing.
I invite you to examine the “truths” you have carried about yourself, truths that really aren’t truths. They are the perceptions and deceptions that keep you trapped in cycles of fear, self-doubt, and the inability to truly love yourself. Maybe it’s your fear of rejection or abandonment. Maybe you replay the words of condemnation that so easily flowed from the mouths of the people who were supposed to love you. Or, maybe you cower before others because when they speak, past abuse is being triggered in your present life.
Our families, life experiences, environment, and our genes themselves set the stage for what can be a lifetime of lies we carry about ourselves.
Consider reflecting deeply on the painful moments of your life.
Not to wallow in your pain, but to expose the messages your pain may have given you. When you expose the misperceptions and misconceptions, you can rewrite the script you have written about yourself. If you truly want to heal, you must rewrite those erroneous scripts!
Until you take an honest look at your life’s journey, you can never fully move into your future with peace, joy, and the confidence that you are truly and beautifully you – just as you are.
You too, my sister, are a Beautiful Queen!
